What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

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I could never make a relationship work though!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Who then, do I blame.?

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

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But it wasn’t much.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I waited trembling.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

She married twice! .

I write beautiful poetry .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Ive learnt so much.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

So, i spoilt her more .

I was very sick at this time too.

I have no regrets .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

We were not on the streets..

This is soul school!.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

She loved him until the end.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She wouldn,t have been !

She found it foreign!.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

We all went to grammer schools

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

It was going to be , some day.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

But, we were locked up after school.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

All the time i was locked up.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I was seconnd youngest,

But ive been too sick for many years..

I couldn’t, believe it.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I will be 64.

I was 9 years of age.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Im still living with it.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Comes on , in middle age.

Why did i forgive my father ?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

As i do to all so called friends.?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Put me off passion for life!!

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

My family never makes their pension either.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

And i lived it daily.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

One cannot live in the past .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

What did i know ?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I was scared of men, in general

I said to her

When she asked me how she looked .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Was to survive, this bastard.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He resisted the act ,that day.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I don,t even have a pension.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

She was in good health!

He knew the spot.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Would this be the day?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

So whats the point in blame.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I think the readers, may guess!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

My life is so biszare .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

(And it was in our own minds.)